Entrepreneur Editorial Director Dan Bova writes a weekly humor column for , where this story originally appeared. You can see read past columns and follow him on or for weekly updates.
\nWhat\u2019s white, has crazy hair and is making everyone freak out? No, not . But close.\u00a0.
\nIn the last couple of weeks, big floppy shoes have spiked on the Noooooo-o-meter. From South Carolina to New York to Iowa, people in at least 14 states have been calling into police, wigged out about people in rainbow wigs roaming the streets.<\/p>\n
In solidarity with the creeped-out masses, announced its plans to put Ronald on lockdown. A statement sent from spokeswoman Terri Hicke\u00a0says that the chain’s more than 14,000 locations nationwide are “mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities” and “are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events for the time being.” Gulp!
\nClown panic has spread to our schools, our restaurants and even into my home. The other night I was heading out to go jogging and my son\u00a0Henry\u00a0asked with genuine concern if I was worried about getting jumped by a red-nosed nutcase. I wasn\u2019t.\u00a0I was more worried about pulling a hamstring than facing a killer Krusty, but I took that as a great excuse to plant myself back down on the couch and sweat my way through some Chopped\u00a0re-runs. Hamstring held up like a champ.
\nRelated:\u00a0
\nMaybe I\u2019m just incredibly brave or incredibly stupid, but what\u2019s the big deal? I feel like at some point in the last 20 years, we as a nation collectively decided that clowns are the most terrifying things on earth.
\nSure, if they\u2019re carrying a meat cleaver they\u2019re kinda scary, but I think that\u2019s true of really anything carrying a meat cleaver. You give a newborn panda a meat clever and I\u2019m running in the other direction. But just a plain ol\u2019 clown? Eh.
\nIf people wearing heavy makeup and idiotic smiles freaks you out, I suggest you steer clear of the Jersey Shore in mid-July.
\nI mean, I wouldn\u2019t be thrilled exactly if I looked out my window at 2 a.m. and saw a dude in a clown suit standing there, but I can think of much more horrifying visitors to see lurking in the moonlight, such as:<\/p>\n
A property tax assessor: \u201cYou fixed that ripped screen door and pulled some weeds? Oh yeah, that\u2019s going to jack your value up 2 or 3 mil easily.\u201d
\nThe neighbor\u2019s dog peeing on my tomato plants. \u201cOh God, we’ve been eating organically\u00a0grown urineballs all summer!\u201d
\nBilly Bush’s Access Hollywood tour bus.<\/p>\n
Okay, fine, I guess if I really think about it, sure, I have had some not-so-great clown encounters over the years.
\nThe first one that springs to mind is when I was editor of Maxim and I sent one of our staffers, Nick Leftley, to go on tour with .
\nNot familiar with them? They are a hip-hop-ish duo that enjoyed some mainstream success in 2009 with a song called \u201cMiracles\u201d which featured such thought-provoking lyrics as:\u00a0\u201cWater, fire, air and dirt \/ Fucking magnets, how do they work?\u201d
\nLong story short: everything went great until the FBI raided the Insane Clown Posse\u2019s show due to suspected gang activity.
\nAll I could do was recommend that Nick keep his hands in full view, make no sudden moves and Google \u201cany good lawyers in ?\u201d when he had the chance.
\nRelated: \u00a0
\nAnother clown-counter of the sucky kind came the night my then-2-year-old son Henry came down with a bad case of whatever it is that makes kids cough and drown in their own snot. Overtired and coated in goo, he was freaking out like only a 2-year-old can.
\nThe only thing that calmed him down was an Elmo DVD starring , a guy who is basically a clown with gigantic pants instead of a wig. Up until that night, I genuinely enjoyed Mr. Noodle\u2019s antics. Mr. Noodle\u2019s deal was that he would always screw up some simple task, like washing his hands or putting on his shoes.
\n\u201cNo Mr. Noodle, not like that!\u201d It was funny at first, but after the 45th viewing at 3\u00a0in the morning, it became a nerve-shredding nightmare. \u201cCome on, man, shoes go on your feet, not your ears, you effen dipshit!\u201d In desperation, I lunged at the DVD player to turn it off, Henry started crying again and the circle of Hell spun on.
\nRelated:
\nOh, and speaking of things that never end, have you been to the Big Apple Circus? It is endless. We took our kids to it a few years back and after an hour and a half of people juggling handkerchiefs and tumblers yelling \u201chey!\u201d and \u201coh!\u201d the lights blessedly came up. It was over! I leapt into action.
\nGrab your stuff kids —\u00a0ditch the popcorn, we\u2019ll make some when we get home. I\u2019ll buy you a soda on the way out, I\u2019ll buy you a pony, let\u2019s just please leave! I stood up and — wham! —\u00a0came face-to-face with a white-faced, cherry-red-nosed clown. I swallowed a scream and looked around. There was a clown in every aisle. They were everywhere! Oh God, the show wasn\u2019t over at all. This was only intermission and the clowns were grabbing people for audience participation!
\nI\u2019m shaking as I type this. You know what? You\u2019re right McDonald’s, clowns are terrifying. Everybody, lock your doors, hide your pets and children, or better yet, run!
\nRead Bova’s past columns\u00a0\u00a0and follow him on\u00a0\u00a0or\u00a0\u00a0for weekly updates.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Entrepreneur Editorial Director Dan Bova writes a weekly humor column for , where this story originally appeared. You can see read past columns and follow\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10099,10681,7636,615,10892,10680,10891],"tags":[10553,10616,10254,10896,10897,10247,10295,10898,10893,10894,10895,10899,10551],"class_list":["post-126316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-buy-essay","category-cheap-dissertation-help-online","category-cheap-essay-writer-usa","category-homework-help-writing-service-usa","category-page-paper","category-university-dissertation-writing-service","category-write-my-assignment-ireland","tag-1-assignment-help-online-service-for-students-in-the-usa","tag-australian-best-tutors","tag-can-someone-write-my-assignment-for-me","tag-case-study-in-nursing-writing-a-nursing-case-study-essay","tag-free-nursing-case-studies","tag-help-me-write-my-dissertation","tag-homework-for-you","tag-nursing-case-study-assignment-examples","tag-nursing-case-study-examples","tag-nursing-case-study-presentation-example","tag-nursing-case-study-questions-and-answers","tag-student-nurse-case-study-assignments","tag-write-my-assignment-help-for-college-students"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/126316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=126316"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/126316\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=126316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=126316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.studyproessays.com\/help\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=126316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}